My 1st Campaigner Challenge Entry

Rachel Harrie’s first Campaigner Challenge calls for flash fiction with a 200 word limit that starts with the words “The door swung open”, with the option of ending with “The door swung shut”.   Who can pass up a chance to pen flash fiction, something that’s so much fun to write?  Anywho, here’s my entry:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Walk Through

            The door swung open.  The realtor stepped inside and wiped his rain-soaked shoes on the raggedy doormat.  Pen in hand, he walked through the empty rooms.  The storm patter against the windows made the place seem even drearier, almost as if the house itself were crying.

            The beam from his pocket flashlight swept across the counters and under the sink, a thousand mouse turds illuminated in the stark glare.  Nose upturned, he scribbled on his clipboard. 

            He couldn’t smell the baked ham and apple pies from all the Sunday dinners cooked there in the past.  He didn’t hear the laughter from the now rusty tub as two toddlers played in a mountain of bubbles, splashing water on the cracked tile floor.  Nor did he feel the love of the family who used to snuggle together on the couch watching Disney movies, wide eyes glued to the set as tiny hands shoveled popcorn into their mouths.

            He only saw rodent excrement, ripped wallpaper, and a low commission if and when he sold this dilapidated old ‘fixer-upper’.

            The door swung shut.

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Pop over to Rach’s Linky list to view over 300 great entries.  Mine is number 365.

31 comments on “My 1st Campaigner Challenge Entry

  1. Susanna says:

    Tina, this is great! Really well written! I’ll have to trot over to Rach’s and “like” you 🙂

  2. Such a nice, bittersweet little story! It makes you think about perspective, a house can be a home to some but others it’s just a house. 😦 If only walls could talk…actually, I’m glad they can’t a lot of the times! 😉 Lol!

    I really showed my maturity when I giggled at the word “turds”. *snickers again*

  3. Wow, great evocative piece. I loved this line: “The storm patter against the windows made the place seem even drearier, almost as if the house itself were crying.” You did a great job making the house a character that I felt for.

  4. Brianna says:

    The storm patter against the windows made the place seem even drearier, almost as if the house itself were crying.

    Wonderful image! I love how the main character of this piece was an inanimate object. Great job.

  5. I like it. See how places and things are just jobs to us and the essence fast disappears? Nice imagery. You took me right inside that house.

  6. The Golden Eagle says:

    It sounds like it could be the beginning of sad story; I wonder what happened to the family who lived there in the past.

    I love the description!

    My entry is #367.

  7. Ru says:

    Seriously great imagery, well done!

  8. Nice capture of what lives in a house if you take the time to look past the cosmetics. Nice job. Mine is #72

  9. This was such a great story. You had me emotionally involved in only 200 words. Seriously. Awesome.

  10. deniz says:

    Lovely! Such a neat idea.

  11. That was a great flash, thanks for sharing it. I particularly loved the appeal to other senses, all the things that he couldn’t smell, or hear, or feel.

    See you down the Campaign trail!

  12. L'Aussie says:

    This is wonderful Tina and I imagine a creative slice of life for many in America and other places hit badly by the GFC and other woes. I loved the way you dealt with the emotion in this, A very worthy entry.

    Denise

  13. Helen says:

    Liked the way you drew the comparison between the decaying, empty house and memories of happier times. Think you have an excellent natural writing style – the words flow well and really succeed in bringing the place to life.

  14. N.Scott says:

    Awesome! Descriptive without being flowery. I get a chill when I think of the rain. Getting a vote from me!

  15. Thanks so much to all of you for the feedback! 🙂 I really appreciate it!

  16. You’ve made the house is a character all on its own. Well done!

    (Mine is #253)

  17. Hello fellow campaigner!

    Great entry! I’ve been swamped this week, but I’m hopeful to join in the fun soon.

  18. I know this dilemma all too well. I’ve spent half the year fixing a fixer-upper. No rodent droppings, though. That’s a plus.

    Excellent story, Tina! 🙂

  19. Thanks for stopping by Madeline, Alica, and David.

    And everything is much better without the mouse poo! 🙂

  20. I enjoyed the way you infused the scenery with the past, despite what the realtor was seeing. Such an accurate depiction of home vs. house.

    Mine is #291: http://thewarriormuse.blogspot.com/2011/09/first-campaign-challenge-flash-fiction.html

  21. Excellent! I’m a visiting campaigner and a “first cut” judge and you’ve made the first cut with this poignant perspective of an abandoned house. The line “almost as if the house itself were crying” won me over and made me eager to “tell” my house how much I love it when I get home today, because my tile floor is cracked and leaking from too many rambunctious toddler baths, too!

    So glad to have met you through this wonderful story.

  22. Christy Farmer says:

    I love it too Tina, and wanted to let you know that I have nominated you for the Versatile Blogger Award. See my blog for details and congratulations!

  23. Thank you Christy! 🙂

  24. Myne Whitman says:

    This is very description, you put me right there. I love the contrast between what is in the present and what was past. Nice job.

  25. Ooh, I really liked your descriptions. Nicely done!

  26. Candy says:

    The house is a character all herself. It’s almost as we know her now. Nicely done, Tina!

  27. Thanks Julie and Candy.
    😛

  28. Nice. I like this. It’s a good reminder to look beyond the surface. In truth most of us don’t live in fancy houses, but we can still find joy with out families wherever we are.

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